Golden Throats

So this is the second in a series of posts about when actors pretend they can sing. Poor Mark wrote this for me ages ago and a project I’m working on and a short vacation distracted me long enough that I’m only getting to it now. So, dear readers, it hasn’t been so long between these posts because he didn’t write it, but because I didn’t post it. Nonetheless, it’s hilarious and you should check it out, because Mark is made of awesome.

Yes, I’m back with another installment of musical misfires from Hollywood. The stars are out and ready to assault your ears.

Now those of you who read my last post, in which I waxed rhapsodic about the splendors of all things Shatner, might have dismissed it as the ravings of some misguided Trekkie with a taste for musical masochism. Nothing could be further from truth! Well, the Trekkie part anyway. It’s only since the series came out on DVD a few years ago that I finally watched all the episodes and became a fan.

It was actually a CD called “Golden Throats” that first turned me on to the wonder of William. Subtitled “The Great Celebrity Sing-off” this record was like manna from Heaven for those of us who have a love of entertainment gone askew.

It was released by Rhino Records in 1988 which, coincidentally, was also the year that both Prozac and Crack were introduced into American culture. Now, I’m not saying there’s a connection between mind altering (and often soul destroying) chemicals and the music on “Golden Throats”, but why don’t we give it a listen and see if we can find one.

“Proud Mary” – Leonard Nimoy – Yikes! All I can say about this one is that if Ike Turner had to give someone a beating it really should have been Mr. Spock. There’s no You Tube link to Nimoy’s “Proud Mary” but this video for “Bilbo Baggins” conveys the awfulness just as well.

“It Ain’t Me Babe” – Sebastian Cabot –  This originally comes from an album called “Sebastian Cabot, Actor / Bob Dylan, Poet” and haven’t we all thought that Dylan songs would be so much better if only they were read by a British actor with a chamber orchestra behind him?

“Blowin’ in the Wind”- Eddie Albert – Of course the only thing better than that would be if they were sung by Oliver Wendell Douglas and what sounds like the Hooterville Volunteer Fire Department Band.

“Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” – William Shatner – I covered this in my previous post, so I’ll just sit here quietly weeping tears of joy at the beauty of it all.

“A Whiter Shade of Pale” – Noel Harrison – This is neither bad nor good, it’s just kind of there. What does intrigue me is that according to the Wikipedia entry on Harrison, “His early break came when he took a regular part in the BBC TV program “Tonight”, as part of a team who sang the day’s news in a calypso style.” Now that’s something I want to hear!

“I Can See For Miles” – Frankie Randall – Another song that’s just kind of there. This guy was regular performer at Jilly’s in New York and was a big favourite of Frank Sinatra’s. If only Sinatra had recorded an album of Who covers. Imagine what he could have done with “My Generation” or “Boris the Spider”.

“Try a Little Tenderness” - Jack Webb – Now we’re back to the good stuff! Sergeant Joe Friday of “Dragnet” fame reading sappy lyrics over sappy music like he’s reading someone their rights, just before he gets out the rubber hose to beat a confession out of them. Actually that does sound kind of romantic.

“Twist and Shout” – Mae West – OMG! I think Mae West was about 130 when she recorded this and the image of her “twisting and shouting” as she warbles this Beatles tune is just too disturbing for words! Pass the Crack! Anything to make it stop!

“House of the Rising Sun” – Andy Griffith – Sheriff Andy manages to drain this song of every last bit of soul and passion that Eric Burdon brought to it. They should have put Andy in jail and Otis the Drunk in the studio, with Barney and Floyd on back-up vocals! I totally missed my calling as a record producer.

“Mr. Tambourine Man” – William Shatner – If the Mae West song made you want to burn out your synapses with cheap drugs, this song that will scare you straight! It doesn’t get much scarier than a raving starship captain jonesing for fix.

“You Are the Sunshine of My Life” – Jim Nabors – I love Jim Nabors! He talks like Gomer Pyle but sings like Robert Goulet; it’s a bizarre combination. This is a truly horrible song on every level, and not nearly as funny as his version of the Godfather theme (who knew it had words?)!

“Like A Rolling Stone” – Sebastian Cabot – Remembered mostly for his role  as Mr. French, the portly but proper English butler on the TV show “Family Affair”, I picture him sneaking off to the coffee house to read beat poetry after he’s put Buffy and Jody to bed.

“White Room” – Joel Grey – Though he won an Oscar and a Tony for his role as the Master of Ceremonies in “Cabaret”, most of you may know him better as Doc in “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”,  or as Lemuel Idzik on “Oz”. This is an unremarkable version of an unremarkable song (though I vaguely remember liking the original as a kid).

“If I Had a Hammer” – Leonard Nimoy – As we come to the end of the record we also come full circle. As you listen to this imagine Leonard Nimoy and Ike Turner in a Celebrity Death Match; Leonard armed with a hammer and Ike with only a shoe, getting the beating he so richly deserves. [Editor's Note: This video is Leonard Nimoy singing, but is actually a Halo video... which just makes this *even more* ridiculous - especially because if you've ever played Halo 3 you know that when you use the Grav Hammer, some character offscreen says "That's a lot of people dying at once!"]

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