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Okay, so I saw this movie awhile ago and a friend has been bugging me ever since to review it. I think he’s just desperate to see me rip it a new one. Unfortunately, that would be a difficult task because, while it’s not a super movie, it’s also not a genuinely awful movie.So, in fairness to the film, here are 5 things to love and 5 things to hate about it.

5 Things to Love About G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra:

1. High Production Values: Despite a change in costume for EVERYONE, a terrible script and a number of other issues, it certainly was very well put together. The chase scene leading up to the collapse of the Eiffel Tower was very entertaining and, in an action movie not named “G.I. Joe”, I would have likely even respected it. At the very least, the effects helped me to suspend my disbelief where the script did not.
2. Joseph Gordon-Leavitt: Again, despite some significant issues, like his costume and the change in so, so many things, JGL actually hit all the right notes for Cobra Commander. He was quietly diabolical, things didn’t quite work out as he planned (SPOILER: The Joes foiled him. Blast!), and he had to earn his minions, but I really felt that he was the one who stayed the truest to the original character. Being a very big fan of G.I. Joe Resolute, in which Cobra Commander harnesses his balls, I believe that JGL portrayed a man who could eventually become *that* Cobra Commander… even if Sommers doesn’t have the balls to do it.
3. The Women Were Largely Clothed: It was very nice to see some smart ladies who were kicking ass in actual clothing. While it’s true that most of the original characters in G.I.Joe were just as covered, it was nice to see that in a river of costume changes (and significant mis-steps) the one change they didn’t make was to have the women fighting good or evil in a bikini.
4. Ninjas: I think this one is self-explanatory, non? Leaving aside how much Snake Eyes’ “mouth” creeped me out, I was mesmerized every time either he or Storm Shadow were on screen. Also, we all know that I heart Ray Park.
5. Dennis Quaid: Dennis Quaid made watching this movie worth it, since he’s the only one who really got what they were doing – making a property that could have been relevant, awesome and poignant into a trashy, pulpy, ridiculous mess. He pretty much phoned in the entire performance and was the only one who legitimately looked like he was having a good time. When they announced that they would being filming on G.I. Joe 2 by the end of the year, hisstank.com quoted Quaid as saying: “I want to get out of the pit,” says Quaid. “I want to ride a horse and shoot a gun. I want a horse with an accelerator suit.” Snort. Everyone else thought they were making a movie. Quaid knew he was making G.I. Joke.

5 Things to Hate About G.I. Joe:

1. Everything: I know, I lied. I said there would be a list of 5 things but I wouldn’t be able to keep it to that. I gave you 5 things I liked and I think that’s pretty sufficient. I hated (in no specific order): Destro’s crappy mask at the end, Sienna Miller’s coked out performance, accelerator suits, the crappy script, the tactical gaffes (oh yes, let’s stay in the EXACT SAME base now that we know that an as yet unnamed organization knows exactly where it is), Scarlett is with Snake Eyes not Duke, the trogladyte Channing Tatum (I mean come ON, his name is CHANNING TATUM), Cobra Commander’s costume (seriously WTF. W. T. F.), Cobra Commander’s origin story, the whole business with Dr. Mindbender (what-ever), the many, many cameos making me wonder why Imhotep was hanging out with Cobra, the extreme underuse of Zartan and, last – and greatest – Snake Eyes did not take any VOW OF SILENCE. There were about a billion ways to have handled this one right and yet they screwed up the simplest of all things. At least Ray is awesome so the fighting was good.

This movie was ridiculous from beginning to end and the only joy I derived from it was watching my buddy be a 12 year-old kid in a gun shop. If I had my way we would burn the celluloid they printed it on and forget it happened. Although, I strongly suspect that the studio knew how bad it was but released it anyhow because they knew they would just “reboot” it again in 5 years like they’re doing with Resident Evil and like they did with The Hulk. Whatever Paramount, whatever.